TRUMP 2016: “America Can Be Fuckin’ Classy Again!”

WARNING! GAME OF THRONES SPOILER! Can’t believe Snape killed Dumbledore!

My favorite flavor is Franklin Mint.

We’re putting a new army of drunks up! The “Sex on the Beach.” I’m not sure why. I’m really not sure why. armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/short-1980s-se…

Hey ZIM-lovers! Preview issue one of the ZIM comic, and read an interview with someone named “Vasqueez!” ign.com/articles/2015/…

How do I stay so thin? Breastfeeding! Breastfeeding! Breastfeeding!

Robin from @OniPress has been showing us ZIM variant covers, and my mind has exploded in a green-and-purplish rainbow.

Do the tiny silver balls on top of cupcakes count as “mineral supplements?”

WAFFLES! “Invader Zim” SDCC Variant Cover by “Korra,” “Avatar” Co-Creator Bryan Konietzko. I KNOW THAT GUY! comicbookresources.com/article/exclus… via @CBR

Wow! American Express says my balance is “Outstanding!”

A vacation is how far I have to get from home before I can let myself do nothing.

I seriously hope Caitlyn Jenner gets a Wheaties box. #callmecaitlyn #isupportalljenners

New Army of Drunks podcast. Secrets of the Coachella Hippos, and how to use booze to avoid malaria! #coachellahippos armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-gin-and-to…

One of the best things about L.A. is the amazing collection of once-in-a-lifetime cultural events I can miss every week.

I’m worried the only way to get “Don’t Stop Believin'” out of my head is with a claw-hammer.

How do I break it to the guy behind the counter that no matter how loud he cranks “Free Fallin’,” he won’t get Tom Petty’s attention?

Not all who wander are lost… But most are unemployed.

Got kids? Roll MOATIES episode 2 out before their young eyeballs! Amphibious party-crashing slapstick 4 evah! youtu.be/cyollrEoJDQ

I can flat-out deny the rumor that Invader ZIM comic issue #0 is a full tribute to “Metropolis.” (Actual rumor heard at actual comic store!)

A new Army of Drunks drops early! Who is Harvey Wallbanger? Find out now! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/short-1970s-th…

I have become unable to type MAD MAX: FURY ROAD without using ALL CAPS!

A new Army of Drunks is up! All about the Rusty Nail. (And no, that doesn’t mean something dirty. At first.) armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/short-1960s-th…

Damn. I realize I’ve gone my whole life without a single gym teacher accusing me of “having it all figured out.”

What’s everyone so mad about? It’s like nobody in this Starbucks was ever humped on “Hump Day” before.

Have kids? Point them at MOATIES, the new little webtoon from Dreamworks I’m in with! Amphibian party-crashers, yo! youtu.be/yktuBI0jY0Y

How can I celebrate World Naked Gardening day without a garden and while wearing clothes?

Turns out the Age of Ultron is 43. I wish he wouldn’t lie on his OK Cupid profile. He really looks good.

Which would you rather read: “Avengers in the Time of Cholera” or “Love in the Age of Ultron?”

Loved “Age of Ultron!!” And glad it came with a copy of the Marvel Universe Encyclopedia ‘cuz colored rocks + blue guy w/ glove = SCARY!!

“Baltimore Riot Mom” – The urban unrest story everyone can agree on at work.

It’s not that the new Joker has tattoos, it’s that he has *stupid* tattoos. Really, the distinction is important.

The new Army of Drunks Black Russian short is up, with Katie Massa and the secret of the #CoachellaHippos! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/short-1950s-th…

Everything is destiny in hindsight.

Army of Drunks! Hurricane cocktail! Invented in the 1940s! Given away free to sailors! Listen now! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/short-1940s-th…

Microaggressions! MICROAGGRESSIONS!!!!!

I may have just failed the Meyers-Briggs test.

I get why most libertarians are white, male, and middle-aged, but not why so many are also fat. “No government will control my portions!”

Every success guru says to pursue your dreams, but I bet not one of them dreamed of being a success guru. #successgurufail

They say a vagina is not a clown car. But I bought a clown car and named it “Vagina.” Now the only Vagina I have is a clown car. So there.

The “Saw” movie franchise could really be invigorated if they had Jigsaw ask “What would you do for a Klondkie Bar?”

New Army of Drunks is up! It’s the 1930s, and you can drink your hat with the Brown Derby. True! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/short-1930s-th…

If it were really March “Madness,” there would be way more axe-murders.

I propose the term “shame-came” when you like something way too much and feel real real bad. e.g. “New Taylor Swift video. Just shame-came.”

Short: 1920s – The Bee’s Knees armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/short-1920s-th…

I’m once again reminded never to bring a gun to a pie fight.

Just saw a man order a sandwich with “extra no-cheese.” I think his lactose intolerance has reached racist levels.

I’m turning the internet off now to get these pages done. If anyone needs me to validate their outrage, please outrage in person.

Is it lying to put “chimp fighter” on my résumé if I’ve never actually fought a chimp?

No, I think searching the web for more supercuts of Peter Capaldi using the f-word really will help me get these pages written.

Maybe it’s just my opinion, but if you haven’t seen #TheLastManOnEarth yet, you are objectively living a poor life. Science fact.

I’m no knitter, but this “Man Vest” really is “Chill!”
yarnbarn-ks.com/Chill-Man-Vest…

Just dreaming about what I’m gonna buy with all this daylight I’m saving.

Video games teach life lessons. Lesson 1: Loot every dead body you find. Whether you killed it or not. I live by this.

Farts are how peas take revenge on humans for making them into soup.

At dentist this morning. Lionel Richie’s “Hello” was playing exactly as the drill was deep in my tooth. This is a metaphor for something.

Fact: ALL chaps are assless.

Turns out paying two dollars for a joke from a homeless guy at a gas station really only yields about 75 cents in humor.

What’s the difference between a “Blue Hawaii” and a “Blue Hawaiian?” Find out on a new Army of Drunks! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-blue-hawai…

Actors are the largest voting block in the Academy. A movie by or about actors always takes the most awards. I CAN’T FIND THE CONNECTION!

I will be live-tweeting the Oscars three days from now.

Yes. ZIM comics. My name in here somewhere. No, not a new show. Moose. Burritos. Pigs. etc. etc. comicbookresources.com/?page=article&…

I like to think stopped making Members Only jackets because the owner just yelled “WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?” and burned the factory down.

I know for a fact Rand Paul graduated from Baylor U. I roomed with him and Princess Twilight Sparkle in Magic Candy Darth Vader Dorm Hall.

New after-Valentine’s Army of Drunks Cosmopolitan Show with comedienne Jackie Monahan. (And “LGBT-friendly!”) armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-cosmopolit…

I like grass-fed beef, but only if it’s force-fed grass-fed.

Wow. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue features a “plus-sized” model. In response, Magic Mike XXL now stars Jack Black.

Someone who watches the Superbowl for the commercials is as sad as… well… someone who watches anything for the commercials.

Dropping a new Army of Drunks one night early so you can drink along at home this weekend! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-aviation-s…

Strudelhosen! An idea who’s time has finally come.

As a chocolate lover I say #boycotthersehey. As a guy who hates corporate dick-swinging I’ll also add #fuckhershey. domesticity.gawker.com/british-import…

I do not know a man Bojangles, and if I did, he wouldn’t dance for the likes of you.

New Army of Drunks show is up! Meet builder-of-dangerous-things Johnny Amerika. And we drink 7-week old egggnog! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-old-fashio…

My dad said nonconsensual dog shaving is a fine hobby but I’d never make a living at it. He was wrong. It’s a terrible hobby.

What’s so special about lips that they’re the only body part that get a balm?

A new Army of Drunks show is up. This time: James Bond’s martini and comedy writer Cece Pleasants. Go listen, damn armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-vesper-mar…

Facebook is like the internet porn of caring.

Carols and Santa or Carlos Santana. Either way, it’s a Highland Park Christmas.

This Man Clicked On a Headline That Promised to Blow His Mind. What Happened Next Will Blow Your Mind.

The Army of Drunks Christmas Eve special is up. Don’t spend Christmas Eve drinking alone, spend it drinking with us! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-hot-toddy-…

Some day, if I work hard, maybe I can have the kind of home that can tastefully display a collection of black velvet nude paintings. Maybe.

Adobe, everyone else updates plugins without making me download a disk image, why not you? I miss the 90’s too, but we all have to move on.

The Army of Drunks Eggnog Show is live! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-eggnog-show

A new Army of Drunks short is up, and it’s about the bitters! armyofdrunks.net armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/short-bitters-…

“There must have been some magic in that old silk thong the found…” #frostytheho-man

My father has asked for socks for Christmas. Is this a landmark in a man’s life? Or some kind of Christmas judo?

No tofurkeys were harmed in the making of this holiday.

Seriously, internet, where can I buy a clay Lionel Richie head like from the “Hello” video? Don’t ask why I need it.

Coffee good. (Hitler bad.)

Yes, I am trying to win a TARDIS. Sue me. I just entered the @teefury Tardis Giveaway Contest! #teefuryblue Enter: teefury.com/whovians

Ladies and gentlemen, I am all about being tired of “All About That Bass” parodies.

I’m trying to decide what my corkage fee is.

Hey, how do I stop the “Let’s reconsider ‘John Carter'” movement before it starts?

The first episode of the Army of Drunks Podcast is finally live on iTunes! “We’re just getting loaded…” itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the…