Billy hates fish sticks, and fish sticks hate the horse you rode in on. They hate the Gorton’s Fisherman, that smug motherfucker in his yellow slicker, and the Gorton’s Fisherman hates his wife for not keeping herself trim after they got married. It’s only been three years and all she does is sit on the maritime couch watching The Bass Channel.
The Gorton Fisherman’s wife hates Jane Fonda for her legwarmers. Bitch. And Jane Fonda hates Ted Turner for releasing “Barbarella” after they got divorced. Ted Turned loves “Barbarella” and still jerks off to it nights when he’s traveling without a mistress in town, but he hates the New York Yankees for reasons anyone outside New York can understand intuitively without explanation. It’s just in your bones.
The New York Yankees hate everybody, but they especially hate the Boston Red Sox not only for beating them finally, but for not turning ruthlessly evil (like they did) because of it.
The Boston Red Sox love Jesus and Ted Danson — though they love George Wendt more — but they hate with a passion that stretches through the fibers of every wooden bat that “Dirty Water” song.
That “Dirty Water” song hates AOR stations for not playing it more, and AOR stations hate Radiohead because pale British guys are cooler than Carly Simon, and Carly Simon is somehow now even cooler than Sting. Fucking Sting, man.
Radiohead also hates Sting… (Can we just point out that the entire civilized world hates Sting and move on?)
…but Radiohead really hates the asshole who runs the Wimpy Burger by Hyde Park, because he screamed at Thom Yorke once — more than once — for taking too many ketchups.
The asshole who runs the Wimpy Burger in Hyde Park hates God for giving him a hairy back and a small penis, while God must hate the Jews or he wouldn’t have inflicted all that horror on them.
The Jews hate themselves or they wouldn’t have let God get away with that crap, but really, deep down, they hate Sir Francis Bacon for inventing, of course, bacon, and making them really resent that whole “no pork” thing.
Sir Francis bacon hates Sir Isaac Newton for out-Sirring him in the history books, but more than that he hates the Earl of Sandwich for creating a food item even more popular than bacon in the hearts and minds of the world. Even Jesus loves sandwiches.
The Earl of Sandiwch is dead, but if he were alive he’d hate Popeye for stealin’ his gal, that scurvy dog. Popeye hates Bluto or there’d be no cartoon, and Bluto hates his father for pressuring him into a career in the navy.
Bluto’s father, after years of therapy, hates no one, but he’s never seen the appeal in Mickey Mouse. And on that I can agree with him. I never saw the appeal in Mickey Mouse, either. I don’t think anyone ever did. We just take it because Walt tells us to.
Damn Walt.
He hated Jews, too.