Mark Zuckerberg is giving away Facebook stock if you send nudes!

“Nosh” is a far more upsetting word than “moist.” Discuss.

Stop awakening that horse!

Will I get thrown out if I bring my own 20th Century Fox fanfare and play it on my phone?

Soylent Green is Sand People. #nospoilers

Luke’s father is a sled. #nospoilers

Jabba the Hutt is Keyser Soze. #nospoilers

Han shoots Dumbledore. #nospoilers

I can hardly wait to see what mystery Serial frustratingly fails to unravel this season!

Menstrual Krampas – the Christmas demon that visits once a month.

Thank you, James Bond for teaching me to choose fucking over killing.

You all know they made Mark Hamill go on a diet too, right?

Today I am thankful for about half of you.

Today is the day I take my vengeance upon the turkey who killed my brother.

Forget lightsabers. I want a porksaber. I want to fight evil with a weapon made of bacon. When will technology catch up with my vision?

If it’s Wednesday it must be time to put on the badger suit and run through Men’s Warehouse with a bug-sprayer shouting “FREE LUXEMBOURG!”

TRENDING NOW: Donald Trump – Insane turkey-head spouts nonsense, fellates self, inflates face to 200psi. Press jumps like dogs.

Is the guy who wrote Jingle Bell Rock dead? If not, he will be by dawn.

As a nation we should be alarmed at the increasing number of children named “Aiden.”

Why does the dealer lie about how long it will take to service my jeep? Are they hoping I’ll impulse-buy a new one while I’m stuck waiting?

My rap name is Dingus Khan.

Hey, did they fix the internet Kim Kardashian broke with her butt yet?

George Barris, designer of the Batmobile, has passed away. Rest in peace. (But his hearse is going to be awesome!)

My cat only peed on my laptop bag because he doesn’t know how to text me.

Busy stuffing raisin blades into apples.

Come see this man sign books! He’s good at it! twitter.com/essrose/status…

In the interest of gender equality, I will henceforth refer to this holiday as “Hallogenitals.”

I will only watch the next GOP debate if the candidates have a slap-fight with rubber weasels. Really, it’s the next logical step.

I’m just sad that H.R. Giger never drew H.R. Puffinstuff.

“Invader Zim Wins Local Comic Shop Day!” Wins, do you hear? WINS! (Now what do we win?) bleedingcool.com/2015/10/01/adv…

Hey! Star Donkey got week-picked! twitter.com/InnerGeekComic…

In that final chase, the ship should have been in Dib form. Would have been much funnier, eh? twitter.com/ScurvyJake/sta…

Seriously, when’s the last time Craig checked anything off that damn list of his?

One of the keys to happiness: Don’t your life like it would make a good indie comic.

Just got off the phone with Men Without Hats. They say you can no longer dance if you want to. Sorry, you missed that window.

New Army of Drunks podcast! We drink White Russians with Aydrea of @oreoexperience and play “Which is Whiter?” armyofdrunks.net/?p=274

Sir, perhaps the silver Honda hatchback with the DKRISES plate is not as badass as you think. #whatwouldbatmandrive?

Jesus: Silent on gays, vocal vs. divorce. Kim Davis: Vocal vs. gays, silent on her 3 divorces. Mathematically Kim Davis is the anti-christ.

It’s so hot I think I’ll sleep in a George Foreman grill to cool off.

I’m a little concerned that Salon.com may one day run out of things to feel superior to.

Google’s new logo is designed to appeal to both preschoolers and German graphic designers from the 1970’s alike!

Is there a full bar at Chuck E. Cheese? I mean for the customers, not in back where the mascots get loaded just to make it through the day.

I’m looking forward to the Nutz administration.

Just uploaded a new Army of Drunks show with @Clifton1775, old school soul, mojitos, and hypothetical fistfights!
bit.ly/1Ji0jj9

As I left the house, I saw the neighbor’s kitten adorably grooming the corpse of the mouse it just killed. Nature is majestic.

So many kids off to their first day of Kindergarten. Should we tell them it gets WAY worse before it gets better?

I’m finally ready to go public. My name is an anagram for “I Erect Urethra.” It was time the world knew.

I think there’d be more rage over cops shooting civilians if the cops started posing with the corpses.

A Trans-Am just cruised by blaring out “Low Rider.” I genuinely love my neighborhood. #highlandpark4ever

Be very quiet… I’m hunting dentists…

Do you think that guy ever called her Maybe?

Sunday: The couple at the next table are methodically dividing their food and pointedly avoiding eye contact. In silence. Brunch is cruel.

When I eat this sandwich, it’s gonna stay eaten! And if it goes all uneaten on me, I’m gonna eat it again just to show it who’s in charge.

Was there a song of the summer and I missed it? I’ve been singing the “Meow Mix” jingle, but I don’t think anyone else is.

Who’s excited for Marvel’s new “Fanfourstic?” I know I am!

I shall only post images from #SDCC none of you will give a f*** about! My drinks! Food! Carpets! Nothing cool! JUST ME! This is my pledge!

Two decades ago I pitched “Mark Week” to Discovery Channel. A week of shows about guys named Mark. Do I get any credit? Do I?

Oh, and the full show notes for @JhonenV on Army of Drunks can be found here: armyofdrunks.net/?p=242 Now go about your business.

Our new Army of Drunks show features Jhonen Vasquez @JhonenV talking about Invader ZIM ‘n’ robots! Listen now! (NSFW) armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-el-prisden…

I am constantly dismayed that “pantsless” doesn’t seem to be in any spelling dictionary on my computer.

My umbrage over the disproportionate number of compact spaces in this lot will be revolutionary. REVOLUTIONARY!

INVADER ZIM comics Issue 3 is coming soon! Beware… THE STAR DONKEY! previewsworld.com/Home/1/1/71/92… via @PREVIEWSworld

Scalia: America’s Crazy Law-Dwarf.

WHOO-HOO! Gonna get all liquored-up and go get myself gay-married! Just to piss off Anton Scalia!

Has anyone out there used an Amazon Echo? (besides the people who designed it.) Do you like it? (besides the paycheck it gets you.)

I binge-watched season one of True Detective. (SPOILER) Turns out the killer was one of the Daryls from “Newhart.”

I wandered into a Disney store and the greeter said, “Welcome aboard, Captain!” I had to remind myself that I’m a goddamn admiral.

Enjoy our Army of Drunks Father’s Day special with a gift guide for booze-loving dads and a doomed pancake challenge! armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/fathers-day-sp…

TRUMP 2016: “America Can Be Fuckin’ Classy Again!”