The only way I will ever care about Rene Zellweger’s face is if scientists discover it’s a source of renewable energy that can power an SUV.

I told the coffee guy I’d like my latte in a cup. He asked if I’d rather have it in a sock so I can hit someone with it. #mykindofplace

Could someone teach Pink to love again? She keeps saying she can do it, but I don’t think she’s really applying herself.

Going to start wearing a t-shirt that reads “I’VE BEEN TO WEST AFRICA, AND I SNEEZE.” I’ll have no trouble getting a table in coffee shops.

Can’t tell you how much I love Disney’s amazing trailer for the new “Tomorrowland” enamel pin!

Vienna Cocktail Wieners – The smallest wiener available without a prescription.

In light of the ebola scare, please do not touch any strange urine, feces or vomit. I know this will be a big adjustment for some of you.

I’m pretty sure “Pumpkin Spice” is the culinary equivalent of the ebola virus.

This dog clearly knows it’s Hump Day.

I forgot to tweet a photo of my amazing lunch. Anyone mind if I just tweet one of the amazing dump later?

Damn. I totally forgot about Simple Minds. They expressly told me not to do that.

Literally speaking, has anyone ever witnessed a “whopper” in the act of whopping?

ME: How do I lose these last ten pounds?
MYSELF: You mean besides painfully scrupulous behavior modifications?
ME: Well, duh.

It’s raining in Los Angeles! All it took was thinking I might go to the beach!

It’s a big crazy world, maybe TODAY is the day I finally succumb to the charms of cockney rhyming slang!

So, every time I watch one of these ice bucket videos, someone gets money? That’s how it works, right?

I went to a bar in gym shorts. This is a dangerously slippery slope for a freelancer.

#skinballoon. (Sorry.)

New rules: Can we measure cops against a painted sign of a rabid clown that says “You must be at least this reasonable to carry a gun?”

If the dildon’t fit, you must acquit. “Kid Rock Subpoenaed To Produce Glass Dildo In Insane Clown Posse Lawsuit” – stereogum.com/1693871/kid-ro…

I want to be a horse. It’s the only creature allowed to poop in the middle of a parade. Actually, on reflection, I don’t really want that.

I think only business that pisses on its customers more than Facebook and still turns a profit is “pee fetish dominatrix.”

“You’ve seen plenty of bear videos, but nothing like this!” YOU DONT KNOW ME! YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THESE EYES HAVE SEEN!!

In the future, all food will have cameras to photograph itself.

“Now boarding all passengers who have trouble with simple tasks. All passengers who have trouble with simple tasks…”

Just caught up with some “Drunk History.” Kudos to the first show on TV to give us the credit, “‘Weird Al’ Yankovic as Adolf Hitler.”

Never look directly into the bright side of life.

I’m kind of concerned at how little I get upset by air travel these days. I should just stay home and get mad at little packs of peanuts.

“I Put Botox in My Buttocks!” and other stories never written by Dr. Seuss.

Cupcakes are on the bottom of the food pyramid, right? That’s why there’s frosting on top, as cement for the food bricks above them.

I need to start taking a better class of hostage.

I think the English are paid by the vowel.

“Now boarding all passengers hoping to avoid eye contact. All passengers hoping to avoid eye contact.”

My Game of Thrones name is Ron.

The bougainvillea on the window want to take over the house. I’d stop them, but they’d probably do a better job running this place.

Hey, if you’re really serious about getting the ball in that goal, maybe try picking it up with your hands and walking it there. Just sayin.

I’m celebrating Father’s Day by working on a Sunday, because that’s what my dad would have done!

So grateful to the World Cup for giving me another sporting event I can ignore on a global scale.

“A room without a roof?” Wait, do you think Pharrell is on shrooms? #becauseimshrooming

Starting a new website for furries: crotchlessfoxes.com

In the face tragedy, at least we can all come together in our ability to take an ideological corner and point fingers.

Stay to the end of the new “X-Men” movie for a surprise scene where Marvel only gives a fuck about 2% of the audience.

Stay to the very end of the new “X-Men” movie for a special scene where Marvel doesn’t give a fuck you.

It’s cliche, but I was struck again that humans are simply meat. The most beautiful art, the constant speed of light, all from walking meat.

Damn! And here I’d ignored Pat Sajak for almost ten years! Now I’ve actually spent thoughts on him. Oh well. Starting over…

Is anyone actually surprised that people who get history and social studies wrong can’t do math, either? #OperationAmericanSpring

I own plenty of pants, but do I own enough trousers?

Good morning, Twits! A data visualization of Tweets as the sun rises over the US via @TwitterData. twitpic.com/e2j487 via @TwitPic

“Always choose your profession over your job.” — Good advice that’s even easier if you don’t currently have a job.

I think my favorite X-man is Shitstorm. (Wait, is Shitstorm an X-man or am I thinking of something else?)

Moral superiority is the new opiate of the people.

I want to get into cultivating cannabis so I can name a new strain “Da Grass Tyson.”

I’m trying to identify the exact point the internet became more noise than signal.

Trident Grape Lemonade flavor tastes just like the real thing if you were drinking it out of a bottle of Formula 409.

Well, off to give O’Doul’s to children!

Jesus. Do you think Morrissey ever even TRIED to help they way he feels?

I realized Star Trek must be a bold, optimistic vision of the future because the computers always work.

I am NOT opening a Star Trek:The Next Generation-themed shave-ice stand called “Wesley Slusher.” You’re welcome, America. #coolaswheaton

The US Olympic curling teams have come in last. I have never been more proud to be an American.

In honor of President’s Day, I’m going to wear my Lincoln beard *out* of the shower for a change.

How to spot a lie #1: “This President’s Day, discover the greatest feeling on earth at Guitar Center.”

Apparently this waffle iron doesn’t also work on shirts.

We used to joke, “Remember when they used to show music videos on MTV?” Now their whole audience doesn’t.

Shaun White got a haircut. Now I can no longer pretend it’s Carrot Top out there trying to injure himself to atone for his sins.

“Extreme Expressions of Mediocrity” is my new mode. “That is f***ing adequate, yo!”

Wondering why Batman never fought Dogwoman.

I am declaring a moratorium on brouhaha.

Wait… Has the Walmart logo really been a giant puckered anus this whole time, and I never noticed?? #redpill

Never should have bought Justin Bieber that 12-pack. But he was hanging out in the parking lot of that 7-11, and he just looked so sad.

Hey hippie, maybe if you got a job, those songs of freedom wouldn’t be all you ever had, HUH!? …What do you mean I’m missing the point?

“Doucheé” – What to say when someone out-douches you. e.g. “You snuck into that handicapped space before me! Doucheé, mon frere. Doucheé.”

My Oscar pick: “Inside Desmond Llewelyn,” an intimate and melancholy portrait of an old guy who played “Q” in the James Bond movies.

Turns out Christmas is not about Jesus or love or brotherhood, or even presents and commercialism. Christmas is about SUGAR and LOTS OF IT!!

The Math of Pot Luck: Every Single Person Brings Enough Food For Everybody = (Enough Food For Everybody) x (Every Single Person) = MADNESS!

To all you workaholics like me: Sleep we’ll tonight knowing this is the one night a year when there is NOTHING you need to be on top of.

Singing more personal carols like “O Come All Ye A-Holes” and “Little Town of Methlehem.” #mychristmastraditions

Completing my Batcave nativity scene with Batbaby Jesus. #mychristmastraditions

Beating the Santa Home Invasion mod for “Call of Duty” using only the peppermint nunchucks. #mychristmastraditions

“A Charlie Brown Wellbutrin Christmas.” #mychristmastraditions

The Macy’s LGBT Elf Pride Parade. #mychristmastraditions

Truck nuts roasting on an open fire. #mychristmastraditions

Aunt Trudy’s homemade Gin Cake. #mychristmastraditions